The tough is picking up

Alot of things have been happening that the list goes on and on since incidents keep occurring.

First and foremost, I have started the induction week for Diploma in Law (or in my words, lol) The class was really small. I would rather call it a tuition group instead. I mean around 8 of us and only 1 guy making it seem like a harem for him lol.

Frankly speaking I found it rather fun despite the fact being that the words being strung together are just like a melody of some foreign music. I am not even kidding.

On the first reading, I was unsure of what it meant. It took me like another round of reading again and breaking the words down for sense-making. And I doubt I can remember the suit titles by the end of the day. It's really taxing but I found it fun lei. Well, no mathematics yet so a plus for me.

As for what I want to do after this, it would have to depend on my results but I can be about 60% sure I will be studying overseas for 3 years at least.

Another issue is that my brother has been hospitalized. When I went to visit him just this morning, he sure is hyper and once again, spouting unrelated things and still easily agitated. It's really disturbing as it's a lifelong illness that will require medicine for the rest of his life.

It's like he's actually restless and moving all over the hospital being bored. And next thing he does is to explode, "Wha Lao, can you stop asking me or not?" at mum who tried asking him where one of his necklace was.

Even now, I get the stinging belief that medicine is just a hoax sometimes. It's like still in it's infancy so much so that so many illnesses cannot be cured and all.

You know, it's not even fair sometimes to say this whole thing is karma for a deed in past life and now, we are paying the price for it. I mean, I realised that my parents are looking alot more hagged and old and so, I figured, as the only normal one, I simply cannot fail in whatever I do nor fall ill or anything else. So tell me, if everyone is suffering, just whose karma is this really? A family or a person?

It's strange but many times I attribute my change in behaviour primarily to the change in my brother. It's more like, because of him I actually became optimistic.

Along with several qualities that may, on the surface seem stupid, I believe these are my auto-coping mechanisms.

• Optimism
• I try again after failing and being frustrated.
• Self styled 'Short term' memories
• I forget not because I am in denial but rather, by forgetting what happens, one can always move on to keep trying, no?
• Adopting masculine traits
• I would have been more 'girly' if I had grown up in a 'normal' family perhaps? But because of this, I refuse to show any of my weakness in any situations. Ok, Maths being the exception.
• Being realistic
• I have every reason to believe I was and still am a dreamer. It's just that I became more grounded to be prepared for the future situations.

I would be lying to myself and the people around me if I had answered "Sure" to the question of 'Don't you want to settle down and start a family in your life?'

Besides the fact that I retain an independent thinking plus some irrational fear of this issue and after seeing what my brother is like, who is to say that such things will not happen again with my potential children? 

Yes, I am afraid of the pain and suffering my child will have to go through just because there is no cure for this type of illness. Call me a coward but I am just tired of being helpless to some disease that cannot be cured as of now.

No mother would want to see her child suffer and I hate it that my mum comes back with a tired and 心痛 face everytime. Me? I think I would rather be childless then to see any child being put through a diet of pills and yet, remains like a ticking time bomb. 

Honestly, what is it like to have a brother? I know my brother dotes on me despite everything so I really hate the feeling of helplessness. I can never be a doctor to help him, nor can I be a psychiatrist to understand him. This feeling is can be aptly described as "This F**king sucks. What the hell can I do?"

Oh god. I am having an outcry here. I guess that's just how things are. To hell with the pheromones la.