List of Fears and Dislikes

Since I am so bored and isolated at home I do lately, I have decided to just put up some random posts such as this one. I guess I do need an outlet to rant from time to time.

As the title goes, I will list most of my fears and dislikes that I am trying to conquer and not faint at the slightest things. I will make a list but... they will not go in terms of what I fear the most. I am just going to write whatever comes into my mind now.

• Supernatural atmosphere in general
• I just get creeped and freaked out and will grab to the person next to me. Poor Kitty lol.
• Never watching any ghosts nor gore movies. Shit la.
• Sudden attacks or pranks on me that scares me
• Link to the aforementioned point. I just get freaked out and scream or I just hold in the fear and restrain the rapid heartbeat of fear and keep thinking about it.
• Mathematics
• Obviously my worst nightmare and top of my dislike list. Seriously, this is the only area in my whole academic life (and future life) I would shed tears over.
• Disappointing people around me
• Pretty self explanatory. I guess I am the type that is too attuned to the people around me that results in always trying to satisfy them subconsciously. 
• Even though I am doing things right now for my own future, I cannot stop to think about what my choices were, how they were influenced and more importantly, why they were decided' anyway.
• It's been an 'obligation to my parents' and 'deep rooted fear' in my own parents expressing their disappointment in me.
• Expressions
• I just dislike expressing how I feel in general. It is a contradiction since I am expressing my thoughts and feelings here naturally. 
• Being brought up to express emotions over simple matters (a good grade) was rarer then expressing myself over more severe matters (my brother's condition).
• Fear in expressing how I truly feel namely because of my own upbringing (intimacy was always an issue for me)
• Relationships in general
• One of my top fear in this aspect was because of my inability to express myself openly thus, creating misunderstandings.
• I am afraid of intimacy even within my own family. Affections were hardly shown to anybody as I grew up.
• I have little idea what to do in all relationships. I am always the one reacting to the situation.
• I accessed the main reason to be because of some domestic violence.
• Helplessness
• In all situations, I dislike and seriously fear being helpless. It's like I am asking the question: What else can I do beside watching, praying and hoping for a miracle to come?
• Stemming from my own brother's condition, 'helplessness' is aptly used on my entire family. 

But for me, I curse and condemn myself for not doing anything more.

• Medicine taking
• I dislike medicine simply because I would see a bucket of that on the dining table for my brother's consumption. It set me thinking, "Medicine is useless"
• I am the type of person who recovers without aid of medicine save for the more serious case such as fevers. Hence, I resent pill popping just to control a 'mental illness'.

I do not condemn Medicine. I will acknowledge that there are still drugs in it's 'infant' stage and there will never be a '仙丹' to cure all diseases. But given my situation right now, I have every mind of refusing to use drugs as freely in the past.

• Forced Action
• I dislike being forced to do anything. This has not changed even through the years. My rebellious streak is most evident here.
• Being identified and protected as a certain, definite gender 
•  I am a girl with guy thinking from time to time (I doubt I even retain feminine thinking), this much I have been teased and told.
• I basically just don't back down even if I am taken down easily.

I HATE being protected. That is the Undeniable fact.

• Make-up
• More of a hassle then anything else. 
• I thought wearing contacts were bad enough...
• Being told to be more 'girly'
• Hello! I am not going to be feminine just because I have to cha know?
• Reliance
• Same as being protected, I hold back on relying on even my family sometimes
• It's just that I dislike relying on someone else since I am not one who shares burden easily.

That's about it for the list. 

Finally, having an assignment whereby I have no idea of what to go on and seriously, feel like crapping my way through. Have to slap myself for having such thinking...

Lately, I feel like I am leading the life of an orphan or an overseas student at best. I mean, BF goes to Tekong (Actually, LOLS. Ok,ok. I not so mean lahx. Wait, I spell correct?), then my parents return late because of visiting my brother in hospital.

It's like I go back to my dorm room without anyone. When people ask if I am just being lonely, I answer: Frankly, not really. It's just that it hit me this way that appears I am whining about being alone, that is all.

Is NS really curse because... if I were a guy, I probably would try it once lol. Save the hunted part la... Err...